Emotional Incest

Term not widely used in therapeutic dialogues.
Many people in 12 step recovery circles have experienced this dynamic in their birth families. Some have had scrapes of varying degree with mental health.
Involves a parent connecting emotionally with a child in union against the “errant” or “insufficient” other parent.
Far more common than one would think and very destructive. Totally at odds with the sober maxim that parents are to be custodians of new lives only for a time. That their role, ultimately, is to become devoid of any form of ‘ownership’ mentality.

Pride and societal ignorance/rigidity can block an individual from reaching out for help and appropriate community in the face of relationship problems. Instead they look for solace inside the family unit, building inappropriate emotional bonds with an offspring.

Showpony is a term used here and pertains to the well-known dialogues around “mummy’s boy” and “daddy’s little angel” etc.
This ‘specialness’ is often played off against the parents’ partner and/or other sibling cast as scapegoat (at least subconsciously) by the dominant parent.

The idea of scapegoat is old, rooted in the Judeo-Christian mindset. Played out covertly and/or subconsciously in these post-modern times.

Another indicator of emotional incest is the parent’s non-acceptance of offspring choices re friends partners spouses etc. This is often dressed up by the dominant as an insistence that he/she wants only “the best” for their child.

The link with mental illness is clear. The up side of bi-polar/schizophrenia is rooted in this carefully fanned and nurtured specialness programming, the down side in scapegoatism …where the child continually fails to be “good enough”. Role reversals occur easily particularly when the primary scapegoat is removed. (Often by premature death or divorce)

Other symptoms like perfectionism (part of depression and avoidant disorder) and obsessive-compulsive routines can be traced to showpony/scapegoat dynamics.

To recover fully from such abuse, it seems the only reliable path is a new paradigm involving complete separation from family of origin.

Where there exists no solid succession law, the manipulative power of such a parent can be very intense.
For the abused son or daughter to leave, the choice usually involves forfeit of inheritance and extended family social connections. Such a choice flies in the face of deep security/social instincts.
Consequently very few people entrenched in such systems ever find true recovery. They tend to stay controlled to some extent by the parents without awareness of the high price they’re paying for loss of true personal integrity.